Jokes 1

Bob Webb at Ross-on-Wye Golf Club

The following jokes are based on some of the jokes told by Bob Webb at the Ross Golf Club Friday Gang Dinner. A very funny night.

To start ...

I went to see my golf buddy, Henry, a while ago - His wife’s a stunner ... she's really ugly - works at the abattior.

She said to him one morning “you were talking in your sleep last night - who is Lovely Linda?” Henry, quick a flash, says its a horse running at Chepstow tomorrow afternoon. Next day he came home from golf and his wife has a face like thunder, he says “What’s the matter babe?”. She says - “Your horse telephoned”.

I went round one day and he looked in a bit of a state. I said what’s the matter? He says “the wife popped out for a pint of milk and hasn’t come back. That was 3 weeks ago”. I said “Blimey, how are you coping?” - he says “Oh, okay - I found some powdered milk in a cupboard”.

He reported it to the Police. They said to prepare for the worst. So he went to the charity shop to get all her clothes back.


No dogs allowed

I bumped into my old friend Henry with his scruffy mongrel on the way to the pub. I told him that the new Landlord doesn’t allow dogs in the bar. He said, ‘Oh, I’ll be alright’

He walks up to the bar and orders a pint of bitter. The landlord says you can’t bring your dog in here … Henry says its a guide dog. The landlord takes a hard look at the scruffy mutt and says “guide dogs are normally labradors or retrievers”. Henry says “Oh, what have they given me then?”


Late night lecture

My mate Henry was stopped by the police around 2 a.m. and was asked where he was going at that time of night? Henry replied, "I'm on my way to listen to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking cheap cigars and staying out late."

The officer asked, "Really? Who's giving that lecture at this time of night?" Henry replied, "That would be my wife.”


Reincarnation

Henry was explaining to his wife last night that when you die you get reincarnated but must come back as a different creature. She said I would like to come back as a cow. He said you're obviously not listening.


Rambin' Rose

Henry’s been on his own now for quite a few years and I think he’s been getting lonely and probably a bit frustrated. I suggested he had a go at internet dating.

His first application was rejected. He got a nice letter from the local manager explaining that Screwfix isn’t a dating agency.

He tried again, and went on his first date a few weeks ago. It must have been quite difficult being on his best behaviour and opening doors, but I think it went quite well.

At the end of the evening he asked to see her again next week and she said yes. So in an attempt to be romantic he said “you remind me of a rambling rose”.

The next week when he goes to see her - he knocks on the door ... She opens the door - slaps him round the face and slams the door. He says what I have I done wrong? - She says I looked up “Rambling Rose”. It says - “No good in a bed, try rooting up against a wall” !


Wrong Email address

Henry decides to take his wife to The Canaries to get some winter sunshine. They planned to stay at the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 30 years earlier.

Because of his hectic golf commitments, it was difficult to coordinate their travel schedules. So, Henry flew down on Thursday, with his wife flying down the following day.

He checked into the hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an email to his wife. However, he managed to mangle her email address, and without realising his error, sent the email.

Somewhere in Houston, Texas, a widow had just returned home from her husband's funeral. The widow checked her emails expecting messages from relatives and friends. After reading the first message, she screamed and fainted.

The email read:
To: My Loving Wife
Subject: I've Arrived
I know you’ll be surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now and you are allowed to send emails to your loved ones.
Everything is ready for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then !
Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.

PS: Sure is hot down here ! 


Clement Freud's funniest joke ever

Henry's wife said "if he ever came home drunk I am going to leave you".

He went out to a pub and drank alot and was sick all over his shirt, and said to his friend "If I go home like this my wife will leave me". His friend said "I tell you what, put a twenty-pound note in your jacket pocket, go home and show it to her and tell her somebody threw-up over you and he gave you the money for the dry-cleaning bill

He goes home and his wife's angry at the state of him and tells him she is leaving but he says "No, no, no, somebody was sick on me and he put a twenty-pound note in my jacket pocket for the dry-cleaning bill". His wife digs into his jacket pocket and said "Why have you got two twenty-pound notes in there?", he said "Oh the other is from the man who shat in my pants".


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