The 18th has been my disaster hole recently. On the tee today I was standing nervously over my driver when I heard a voice in my head say “use the 3 wood”, so I changed to the 3 wood and immediately felt more confident. Then the voice said “use a wooden tee” - so I threw the plastic tee away and teed the ball up on a wooden tee and felt even more confident.
A couple of practise swings and the voice said “Use a Titleist Pro V1”, so a changed the ball for Pro V1 and now absolutely confident. Then the voice said “I didn't tell you to use a new one”.
Every golfer must have heard every golf joke - and every religious joke. Please forgive me if you'e heard thisn one (twice) already.
Jesus and Moses were playing golf at The Rolls on Tuesday.
When they get to the 18th hole - long par 3 over the water - Moses tees off with a 3-wood and hits the green. Jesus takes out his 5-iron and says, "I'm going to hit a 5-iron because Arnold Palmer would hit a 5-iron from here." Jesus tees it up and hits a lofted iron shot that splashes in the middle of the water.
Jesus turns to Moses and says, "How about parting the water so I can play my ball where it lies?" Moses says, "No way. You foolishly chose the wrong club because of your Arnold Palmer fantasy and I'm not going to be a party to it!"
Jesus shrugs and starts walking on the water to where his ball went in. Just then, Bill arrives on the 18th tee and sees Jesus walking on the water. Bill shouts out "Who does that guy think he is, Jesus Christ?" Moses turns and says, "No, he thinks he's Arnold Palmer!"
After golf one day, Henry stops of for a drink in a Cheltenham bar. At the bar is a rather attractive older lady, and they fall into conversation. After a while she suggests that he comes back to her place for a drink. He hesitates for a second or two ...
The get to her place and she says "Do you want to come upstairs for some sex?", he says "I'm not sure if I can manage both".
Upstairs - she opens a very fine bottle of wine and puts some smoochy music on. As things start getting warmer she asks if he 'is up' for a mother - daughter threesome.
He can't resist so agrees. She calls out - Muuuuuuuum !
A man goes past a blind man selling matches every morning on his way to the station. He drops the 20p into the box and says "keep the matches".
One day the blind man says, "Excuse me, are you the man who puts the 20p in the box and says 'keep the matches'". He says "Yes, thats, me".
The blind man says "Well, they have gone up"
Our oldest member - who must be in his early 90s - went to his doctor for his quarterly check-up...
When asked how he was feeling, the 86-year-old replied, “Things are just great and I've never felt better. I now have a 20 year-old bride who is pregnant with my child. So what do you think about that Doc?”
The Doctor considered his question for a minute and then began to tell a story. "I have an elderly friend, much like you, who is an avid hunter and never misses a season." One day he was setting off to go hunting. In a bit of a hurry, he accidentally picked up his walking cane instead of his gun. As he neared a lake, he came across a very large male beaver sitting at the water's edge.
He realized he'd left his gun at home and so he couldn't shoot the magnificent creature. Out of habit he raised his cane, aimed it at the animal as if it were his favorite hunting rifle and went 'Bang Bang'."
"Incredibly, two shots rang out and the beaver fell over dead. Now, what do you think of that?" asked the Doctor.
The old-guy thought for a minute and said, "Logic would strongly suggest that somebody else pumped a couple of rounds into that beaver."
The Doctor replied, "My point exactly."
I turned up for a very early round of golf at Ross-on-Wye one day and it was absolutley tipping it down, so we deceided to call it a day. One of the guys got home and snuck back into bed, and his wife said ... "Hello darling, can you beleive my husband is playing golf in this?"
A 54 year old man is having an affair with an 18 year old girl from the office. The wife finds out and decides to play him at his own game and starts a relationship with her 18 year fitness trainer.
When confronted she says - I bet 18 goes into 54 a lot more than 54 goes into 18.
During an armed raid on a bank goes the gunman gets everone in the bank to lie face down on the floor. As he fills the bag with money his mask slips and one of the tellers sees his face. Without hesitation he shoots the teller dead.
He calls out - "Did anyone else see my face?" - a small voice from the floor says "I think my wife saw".
My friend Geoff runs a small business in Ross-on-Wye; he was told by Head Office that due to cut-backs he had to lose one of his staff. He rang me saying he really didn't know what to do - he only has a team of 5 and they are all good workers.
I said there must be someone who doesn't pull their weight or has more time off sick. Geoff said - No, they all do a good job and are reliable. So I said he will just have to go back to the Last In - First Out mehtod. He said that Jack and Susan are the youngest and both started on the same day.
I said, Ok, on Friday, the first one that goes to the coffee machine will be the one who has to go. On the Friday Jack arrives and goes straight to his desk. Sue has been out on a girls night out - she goes straight to the coffee machine and presses the Black Coffee button.
Geoff, goes over to Sue and says, "I am very sorry, but I've got to lay you or Jack off".
Sue says, "Well you better Jack off, cause I feel like shit".
An Irishman goes to a pub and orders three pints of guiness all at once and then sits and drinks them one after the other. The next week he does exactly the same. The barman is curious and asks why he order 3 at a time. The Irishman expalins that his two brothers live in America and Australia, so once a week they all go for a pint and have a drink for each brother.
This carries on for years. In the January the Irishman comes in and orders two pints of guiness and sits and drinks them. As he is about to leave the barman says "I am sorry for your loss". The Irishman looks a bit confused, and says "Oh, my brothers are both OK, its me, I am having a dry January.
Be warned there is local scam going on in Shopping Centre car parks. Two very attractive 19 year-old girls offer to clean your can for £5. They are wearing very short shorts and a tee-shirt with no bras. When the clean the car they are wiping there bodies all over the windscreens - leaving nothing to the imagination.
While you are distracted they reaching in and steel your wallet and any other valuables in the car.
One of our members has had his wallet stolen 4 times last week.
Three senior golfers are walking down the fairway.
"Sixty is the worst age to be," said Ray the 60-year-old, "You always feel like you have to pee. And most of the time nothing happens."
"Ah, that's nothing," said Ian the 70-year-old. "When you 're 70, you don't have a bowel movement anymore. You take laxatives, eat bran, you sit on the toilet all day and nothing happens."
"Actually," said Bill, the 80-year-old, "Eighty is the worst age of all."
xDo you have trouble peeing too?" asked Ray the 60-year-old.
"No, I pee every morning at 6:00 am. I pee like a racehorse; no problem at all."
Do you have trouble having a bowel movement?" "No, I have one every morning at 6:30 am."
Puzzled with this Ray the 60-year-old said, "Let 's get this straight.. You pee every morning at 6:00 am and poop every morning at 6:30 am. So what 's so tough about being 80?"
"I don 't wake up until seven."