A young girl walks into a supermarket and on her way round she sees the bloke with whom she had sex the previous evening, after they met in a pub. He is stacking washing powder boxes on shelves.
"You lying sod!" she yells. "Last night you told me you were a stunt pilot!"
"No," he says, "I told you I was a member of an Ariel display team.”
A man goes past a blind man selling matches every morning on his way to the station. He drops the 20p into the box and says "keep the matches".
One day the blind man says, "Excuse me, are you the man who puts the 20p in the box and says 'keep the matches'". He says "Yes, thats, me".
The blind man says "Well, they have gone up"
The only reason I play golf is to annoy my wife. She thinks I'm out enjoying myself.
When I first met my wife, I told her I was a bit of a comedian. She says "Go on, change colour then".
Over-heard in John Lewis Ladies underwear department - the male customer asked "do you have a see-through neglige size 64-52-64?" - the assistant said - "why would you want to see through that?"